I love my husband. I think this post makes that abundantly clear, however I have something to say.
I do not hear it very often (in fact I can’t remember when I last heard it, so if you are trying to think about whether you said it to me you are probably safe *wink* ), but on the rare occasion people are just blown away that I met my husband AFTER my injury and they tell me how lucky I am and how wonderful he must be to have wanted to date and marry me.
Really?
That’s beyond insulting. Think about what you are saying if these words cross your lips.
I’m lucky that he would want me?
It may not be what you mean, but in my mind, that implies that I am less of a woman. Less of a PERSON, because I can’t use my legs.
Would you ever look at someone that was anorexic and tell her she’s lucky her husband wanted her because she’s too skinny? or a woman brunette she’s lucky her husband wanted her because she wasn’t blonde?
No, they aren’t exactly the same thing, but that is all it is to me.
I still cook. I still clean. I still drive. I still have sex. I still do EVERYTHING any other woman would do, so WHY should I feel LUCKY that I could “find” a man that would want me?
Again, I know this may not be what you mean or what you intend to imply but SAY what you mean… put your foot in your mouth over and over to explain what you mean because otherwise, this is what I assume.
As one of those guys who my wife was supposedly “lucky” to “find” in spite of a disability, i do find it insulting as well…because it insults her just as you described, it in turn insults me. My wife made a similar post on her old blog years ago that i never really forgot, its great to see the points echoed here as well, thanks for this post 🙂
Sam
I could’ve written this post, word for word. My own Mother-In-Law has even said it, without realizing how hurtful and insulting it is. It’s a shame we live in a society that is generally shocked to see disabled people in healthy, loving relationships and living a “normal” life.
I just don’t get it. My disability has never been an issue in ANY of the relationships I’ve had, so it’s always a surprise when I hear people say something like that.
*hugs* from another disabled woman, with a less-than-saintly-hubby. 😉
Jenn @ South of Sheridan´s last blog post ..The Waiting Game Continues
This is a need point of view! I do all that you listed with marriage. Just an ordinary life, is what I call it. Thanks for this post!
Kim @ Stuff could….´s last blog post ..My Tangled Wheelchair
Oh wow, people are not just rude, they’re ignorant and inconsiderate. Good on you, calling them out Priscilla!
Alison@Mama Wants This´s last blog post ..VlogTalk- The most annoying toy EVER
It’s an insult to your husband, too… essentially, it is like saying he “couldn’t do any better” (not at all what *I’m* saying, mind you) so he was willing to “settle” for someone like you (or me).
My husband met and fell in love with me prior to me getting sick. People say this type of stuff all the time and it hurts my feelings more than they realize or intend. Yes, I have a great hubby and yes, he does more than some husbands because of my limitations but he is a lucky guy too. And, he would say the same thing,.
I always wonder if he was the one in the wheelchair if people would say what a saint I am…probably not.
Melissa´s last blog post ..Praying for our sons
As the mother of a young adult with autism I’ve learned that just when I think people have reached rock bottom when it comes to insulting remarks, they stoop to even newer lows. I swear too many people lack that filter between their initial thoughts and their mouths.
geekbabe´s last blog post ..OneNote – Your passport to Travel giveaway
Sarge and I aren’t married (yet? :), but I can relate as well. People wonder aloud if he is male PA until we randomly kiss in public, and then it’s ‘oh, isn’t that nice?’. A shop-owner once asked if we were siblings because we were talking about buying a joint wedding gift. :/
Sarge says all the time that I am exactly the woman he wants, and he forgets that I sit most of the time. I’m just me. It is nice that he ‘puts up’ with the wheels’. He also puts up with my half-finished coffee cups all over our house, my love of country music and Jack Sparrow. And I put up with his love of zombie films and penguins. Because that’s what partners do.
Back when I was single men would ask me: Can you have sex?
And I would always answer: Yes, but apparently not with you!
Lorna´s last blog post ..Magic Coffee- Back By Popular Demand Kinda
The complete admonishment by these people comes across as “Glad someone wanted you – I certainly wouldn’t!”.
My response? “Yeah…I don’t want you either. Shallow, vapid, homogenous people like yourself aren’t my cup of coffee.”
Their acceptance and demand for social conformity by all makes them by default insecure when they come across those who do not conform.
What I can’t figure out is how you & your husband have time for yourselves managing two kids and all!
Wow. The nerve of some people! So sorry you have to deal with this!
The world is chock full of people who speak before they think, evidently. I’m sorry you even have to hear something like that.
Mrs. Jen B´s last blog post ..7 Weeks 5 Days
This is awesome but I have always thought the opposite. He is lucky to have you! You kick butt every day. You have never looked at yourself as disabled and never backed down from a challenge. You take care of your home and your boys like a super hero. I am so impressed with you, your attitude and your talents. I hate to admit this but I don’t think I would handle this with as much grace and humor as you do. You are more of a woman than me!!!! I adore you! ((HUGS))
Great post Priscilla!
People are even more amazed at how ‘lucky’ I am now that I have a kid. Kyle and I just noticed some lady staring us down when we were getting out of the car at Target. We joked that she must have been thinking, ‘Oh look at that girl in the wheelchair out with her brother and nephew.’
Oh, and my new favorite is when people tell me that it’s so nice to see me out and about. Whatever that’s supposed to mean!
I hope whoever that this post is read by those people who said you were lucky to find your husband.
Jessica´s last blog post ..A Weekend with the Family
So true, so true! This was so touching post for me, it indicates that you should think twice before you say something. I sometimes make this mistake…I don’t think before I talk so it happens that I hurt someones feelings but still it was not my intention 🙁 And after that I feel bad.
You are such a wonderful person, I honour you a lot!
Virag´s last blog post ..Wohoo…off my way to Sweden again!
Your post, Priscilla, is right to the heart of the matter and spot on. That is an absolutely obnoxious thing to say and extremely insulting to your entire family and anyone else that’s related to you, knows you, and is in the same situation or similar to you. People that that I can only assume say such things out of pure ignorance. Those people need to be corrected.
I realize this is in no way not the same at all but my mother-in-law often refers to people by their skin color. She also uses the archaic terms for African Americans and Asians, for example. I correct her. She insists that she doesn’t see any harm in it or what the big deal is. I tell her that it is a very big deal because it is offensive to the people she’s referring to and it’s offensive to me as I TAKE offense at it.
I salute you having the courage to bring this out. I feel what you mean and In fact understand without a doubt, you might ask how would I ?since I am not on a wheelchair.
It is simple. Everyday people talk, as if they are saying something good..that may be true to them of course, but to us it may not be the way. It is in their tone that makes us think the other way, it is their looks and their personality that conveys the true meaning of what they are saying…
kloe´s last blog post ..101 Things My Husband Hates About Me
You two are lucky to have found each other. Because you make beautiful kids. Because you have a beautiful marriage. Because you are happy. That is all.
Whoever cannot see that is blind. Whoever sees anything less is ignorant.
How are you feeling? Not long now, cannot wait to see baby boy!
hmm, people do feel that way sometimes and it doesn’t really matter if you are on a wheelchair, or you are blind, or you are suffering or a victim of cancer or maybe contagious disease; people just think the other way around that makes the world (their world), our world seem to be complicated for us to understand. it is because of the power of the mind that makes us think what we should not think.
We all do it, we all think that way and to be able to stop ourselves from being so must be the hardest thing that anyone can do while living because people are not perfect, and this ids just one of our imperfections.
WOW. People can say the stupidest things sometimes…seriously.
Hey: I don’t know you or your hubby IRL, but based on your blog I think you are amazing. He sure is one lucky guy!