Coming home

I came home last Friday. This past weekend has been up, down, happy, sad, frustrated and a million other emotions.

I’m not going to talk about that part right now. I’m going to talk about coming home and what that was like.

When we got into the van I got a text from a friend asking if the boys knew I was on the way home or if she needed to not saying anything because it was a surprise.

I told her it was a surprise. My mommy brains starts churning and I ask her how late they can stay and run my idea by her and she says she’s in they can stay as late as we need them too.

So my plan is set into motion.

Charlie will get me home, comfortable in my bed and he will take Nathan and the VAN and head back out for my meds.

Our sitter also followed us to the house so she would know how to get here when she started back on Monday (today, yes, things are going well). She took a look around and left so as not to throw off our plan.

There were some ups and downs over finding meds (on time) but I’ll write about that another day.

I’m snuggled in my bed and everyone is gone so I text my friend that I’m ready. She knows I want her to just drop them and go like normal because as far as she knows I’m NOT there.

So mom and I quickly figure out WHY she’ll send them into my room. The door is closed and lights are off…

I here them come in and bye, thank you, see you later, blah blah.

Now we hear my mom asking them to go look for “that cat” in “your mom’s room”.

They walk in, turn the light on, and neither one sees me at first, they are half glancing for the cat and their eyes are still adjusting. Then slowly, Lucas looks up, his eyes get  huge and he yells “MOMMY” – Will glanced up and saw me just as the words were coming out of his mouth.

I wasn’t quite crying but my eyes weren’t dry and the boys were the same. They didn’t want to cry but they were so shocked and so happy.

They very carefully and cautiously climbed in bed with me, almost as if there were afraid but desperate to touch me. They wanted to make sure I was REALLY there.

They climbed in and I choked back more tears and just hugged and loved my babies. I missed them so much and it was good to be home. Good to be with my babies in MY bed.

I can’t imagine how confused and afraid Lucas must have been the last three weeks. He’s only 3 and it must have been so challenging to figure out why mommy, daddy and nathan left. He knew we were in a hospital and that hospitals are for sick people or people having babies. He knew we weren’t having a baby so why?  WHy were grandpa and grandma in our house all they time. Why weren’t they leaving?

Now I sit here and write this in my new recliner, so I can lay in the middle of all the noise and chaos that takes place in our family room, and just be. I am home again and I hope more than anything that I never have to unexpectedly leave my children like that again. I am so eager to be back to myself 100% so I can take my boys where they need to be and not depend on friends to help (and help they have – THANK YOU SO MUCH!)

I will never forget that look, of joy and confusion, excitement and a little scared, when they walked in and saw me. I wasn’t able toe capture that moment on film. I thought about having my phone ready, but I didn’t want to. I decided I wanted it to be all mine. Well, all mine and theirs. I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. I wanted to relish in that intimate moment we shared. It’s a beautiful moment I will go back to many times when I need a little pick me up.

I did, however, capture some snuggles the moments after, and those I will share!