There is a right way and a wrong way to offer someone in a wheelchair help.
I’m going to give you a REAL life example of what NOT to do.
I appreciate when someone offers to help me. I truly do. If I need it, I take it. Generally, I do not but it’s nice to know people care.
FYI — YES…Please keep offering and feel free to ask me if I am sure. DO NOT keep going and going, walk away and then turn around and ask again and imply that I could do it easier another way. Why on EARTH would I leave a narrow, $2000 chair unattended in the front of a busy store to use a HUGE bulky store chair that moves at a snails pace and would never keep up with my kids? Do not assume I need your sympathy because I didn’t take your help and appear to have such a horrible life because of the chair. That is NOT the case and likely not the case for the person you see. It may be. It may not be, don’t assume. 🙂 For all you know that seemingly pitiful, disabled person is happier than you.
What I DO NOT appreciate is when someone is SO insistent that I MUST need help and refuse to let it go, it become beyond rude and annoying.
There is a right and a wrong way to offer someone help.
This REALLY happened last week when I was in Target with Nathan.
This went on for about 5 minutes.
My cart was full, I was stopped to check my list before heading to a register.
I’m in black. The other woman is in blue.
Do you need help?
No, thanks I was just stopped to check my list.
Are you sure (looking at my full cart) ?
Yes.
Repeat TWO more times and she takes off.
I start to roll/push cart.
(she stops and looks again) Are you sure? I can just leave my buggy and help.
Nope, I’m good. Today is an easy day. I only have one kid with me instead of all 3.
Uh.
Oh.
WOW. Easy?
Ok. Well good luck. Oh, wait. You don’t just use one of those motorized carts?
Oh, gosh no. Those would be annoying and a pain to maneuver. (As I continue pushing slowly so I don’t pass her)
Uh, ok. Well.. Uh good luck and im so sorry about your uh…. Voice Trails off a bit
Thanks but You don’t have to be sorry! I have a fabulous life.
Oh. Well, good for you. Wish I did.
After readying a few comments here is a small edit:
So after this incident I was trying to come up with a snarky comment to throw at the next person that just won’t give up. (not the nice people that ask and confirm, I LOVE YOU people!)
My ideas was this:
“do I look disabled or something?”
Charlie said that would come across as looney … so how about this!?
“why do you keep asking me that? I may be in a wheelchair but I got my baby in the car and myself in the car, drove here and have been shopping peacefully for the last hour without any help. I’ve been doing this just fine for 13 years. I genuinely do NOT need any help. I’m comfortable enough in my own situation to ask when I do. I appreciate the offer but the respectful thing for you to do is GRACIOUSLY accept that I do not need your help. Your insistence is very rude and I would appreciate it if you would let me get back to my shopping”
Seriously?!? Poor lady.
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yup. I think she was lacking in life.
Love it Priscilla! It gets quite awkward doesn’t it? 🙂 I love our fabulous lives! 🙂
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Yes, it does. Ha. I love my fab life too!
Ugh. Hate this! My favorite story is about the man who screamed out, “WHOAH!!! What happened to you?!?!?!” To which I replied, “Nothing.” and walked away. I really should have said, ‘umm nothing, but WHAT happened to YOU?”
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I keep trying to think of something snarky to say back when it gets this bad again. .. maybe “Why do you keep asking me that? DO I look disabled or something?” — My husband said I may sound crazy though because, well, YEAH, to a stranger, I do.
Sounds like she actually needed someone to help. Meaning that her life wasn’t full and it would have made her feel better to be of help to someone. I guess she’ll have to keep on searching. 🙂
This is what I think, but I have no desire to help someone by letting them help me when they are trying to belittle me. 😀
i have to honestly admit i’ve probably been one of those annoying-but-trying-to-be-helpful people. i seriously didn’t think about how it could come across to the other person. and not just because of a disability…just because. if i see an elderly person trying to open a heavy door, i insist on doing it…those kinds of things. i’ll definitely be more aware going forward. and i must say – you handled it gracefully!
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Asking is FANTASTIC and asking one more time to confirm is fine. It’s when she just kept INSISTING AND INSISTING. 🙂
I totally can understand what you are complaining about; I often experienced the same while I was pregnant. All the people wanted to help me in the mall or in the garage, just like I was disabled or something like that. And I always got upset because of the behavior like that…
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Cilla, u handled it great!! Do u ever get “it” because u have 3 kids (Not necessarily because of the chair)? I get it alot when people see me with the 3 young kids and I do end up telling them I am used to doing it by myself and do just fine but thanks anyway! …. You have a great life and beautiful children! I love u soo much <3
Oh, yes. How do you do it. You must be busy. blah blah blah
I get this daily and I try not to get snarky but I will say that I’m more experienced than they are and it’s easier I do it myself. And if they grab my chair, as some have, I firmly and loudly tell them to stop touching me! That works pretty well.
Not having handles helps with that. They will go behind me in an attempt to push and ask why I don’t have handles, they can’t help. I then say – exactly.
I can understand why you were irritated. If I were you, I would also feel the same. I don’t like self-pity and I do have my pride but in the end, I guess people offering me any help would be a good thing, because it means they do care. On the other hand, I would feel awkward and would it a bit irritating since I can pretty much handle myself. It’s nice of you to post this, so other people offering their help would know. Great blog.
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Wow. Some people are idiots. I’m sorry you had to deal with one, but you handled it like a pro 🙂
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Reading this does help to see where you are coming from. I think some people that offer are sometimes just really nervous and just make a mess of things when their intention was trying to do good… some people just aren’t prepared I guess.
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You did handle it like a pro! I love hearing your point of view, and I will take this to heart!!!
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Then there are the people who want to offer “help” by trying to stop and pray with me. And they tell me that they hope God can fix me and blah blah blah…. Has that ever happened to you? It’s really creepy and rude on so many levels.
Oh, GOODness!!! Yes. This drives me all kinds of batty.
Thank you for this reminder that we’re to OFFER help, not PUSH it! This woman was clearly the needy one in the conversation! Would you mind linking up at our parenting link up (http://hdydi.com/2013/12/30/parenting-link-5/)? I’d love for more moms to see your post. I know I found it hard to be gracious when people insisted that caring for twinfants was harder than I found it to be! (By the way, thanks for the year in review idea!)
Thanks for sharing this at HDYDI’s link up! Such a great read! You seem like an awesome person… Might have to blog stalk now. lol
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Heheh, thank you for telling me about it and welcome!
Late response on a pretty old blog….
Just return the favour…
Do you need help?
No
Are you sure?
Yes.
I really can help you?
Is there anything I can help you with?
No
Are you sure?
I use humor as my biggest “weapon” I think you’re the same kind of person.
My biggest frustration is people who want to “heal” me. Brrrrrrr. The weirdest tips. Not my cup of tea.
Oh yes. The “healers”. Annoying indeed!